Body Stories Redefined

I tested for genetic markers in 2018 and by the grace of God and the due-diligence of my PCP, we found out that I have Lynch Syndrome. My specific genetic mutation is MSH6. Everyone talks about BRCA, but not the entire genetic panel.

Four weeks after my prophylactic bilateral mastectomies, I spiked a high fever, my left breast was heavy and painful, and my white count was crazy high. This is when my husband and I found out the difference between doctors who give a shit about their patients and those that don’t.

My original plastic surgeon dodged all calls from my husband, the staff at Banner, and my breast surgeon while I lie in bed rotting away from the inside out. After nine days in the hospital, I was finally scheduled for surgery. When I woke up, I don’t think the word devastated quite explains it. While I was recovering and still in my dark and twisty place, I ended up finding Dr. Mahabir and Dr. Kurtovic, and I immediately scheduled an appointment as my last ditch effort to look normal again.

To say I had an unhealthy relationship with my body when I was younger is an understatement. I never took the time to appreciate my body from the inside out. My perception of beauty drastically changed after my experience; I learned to appreciate my body at each stage of life and not fight the changes. I began to embrace change and honor my body for everything it had been through and thank it for helping me through. I still have my moments, but for every negative comment about myself that I say in my head, I say five positive ones back.

In my dark and twisty place I remember thinking I looked like Frankenstein with all of my scars. I thought my hip to hip scar was something that would remind me of the worst time in life. I feel so differently now; I look at my scars and I want to show them to everyone because they’re not something to hide. My scars tell my story of darkness to light, and they remind me of the hell I’ve been through and my fortitude to keep on going even when the pain was overwhelming.

My mom died of breast cancer at age 38, and my grandma died with breast cancer much later in life. I was diagnosed with DCIS Stage 0 at age 35. Breast cancer has been part of my life for as long as I can remember.

Before coming to Tucson Plastic Surgery, I had annual mammograms and a breast MRI. A mammogram caught two tumors in my right breast. I needed a bilateral mastectomy and was interested in Direct to Implant (DTI) surgery, which Dr. Mahabir was known for.

Having no feeling in my chest is hard to understand at times, plus not having nipples and being unable to sleep on my chest. Feeling like a part of my body was amputated is hard to digest sometimes. But one thing that surprised me about the experience is how beautiful fake breasts can be after reconstruction. I thank Dr. Mahabir for saving my life and my sanity.
I was pretty educated on breast cancer at a young age thanks to my mom and grandma. I got lucky and found Dr. Mahabir. But I wish more women knew that you can’t catch cancer at an early age without early detection, that insurance is a scam, and only you can fight for your health.

If I could talk to my body, I would say, “Congrats for being such a boss, a warrior, a fighter. You deserve to shine forever.”

I felt a lump in my left breast. I had already had two biopsies in my right breast. The lump I felt was invasive lobular carcinoma. I was told I had breasts that looked like they wanted to make cancers.

I did not realize how many surgeries would be involved — so far I’ve had four. My initial surgery was a double mastectomy with reconstruction. I hated my new breasts. They felt cold and fake and not a part of me. My second surgery I had fat grafting along with the implant replacements. The best I felt was after my third surgery, which involved more fat grafting. My breasts felt “real”, like they were a part of me.

I wish more people understood that as a patient you have agency. You can decide for yourself what course of action is right for you. But to make those decisions a person needs to be informed. I wish everyone could speak to a well-trained plastic surgeon to see what options are in front of them instead of relying on what an oncologist or a breast surgeon has to say. I also wish health care was affordable so above could happen easily.

When I got the diagnosis of my breast cancer I was already in a bad place. My marriage was falling apart and my kids were doing poorly as well. I just started therapy for the first time two months earlier. At that time in my life it felt like all I was good at was working out and working. I guess you could say I was used to punishing my body. It was the one thing I could control. I still struggle with my body often, but less than before. I’m working on self love and acceptance.

If I could talk to my body, I would say, “Please give me patience to love you and accept you and be grateful for all that you do for me and provide for me. I am working on self love and acceptance. I rationally know you let me move, ski, backpack, do burlesque, and love. I know that it is a gift that I can do pull ups and squat heavy weights. I started yoga so you can stretch and restore. I am trying to eat better to feed you what you need to keep me moving. I have not embodied my love for you but I am working on it.”

My husband and teenagers just returned from our 25th wedding anniversary in Hawaii when I felt a lump. I had biopsies on that same breast before, but I knew in my heart this was different.

When I got that fateful call on May 21, 2022 I already had a diagnostic mammo, ultrasound, and biopsy. That morning we just buried our dog of 14 years, walked in the door, and my cell phone rang. The nurse navigator on the phone told me I had Triple Negative Breast Cancer stage 3, which is an aggressive cancer with very erratic and rapidly multiplying cells. I went from the oncologist to my son’s high school graduation that same night. The pictures show smiling happy people, but the highs and lows are forever imprinted on my mind and soul.

Breast cancer takes all of you, not just your breasts. It forever changes your trajectory. Your life will always be framed as before and after cancer. I wish I knew how long after treatment you still struggle. This journey, no matter the level of support you have, is still very insular – just you, your mind, and your body. You get through treatment, then surgery, and then you have to learn to live again. There is no roadmap or handbook for how to do that.

Until cancer, I thought having kids was the most amazing thing my body could go through. I’m proud of where I am now. I appreciate it more for keeping moving. I am surprised how much I appreciate and care that I feel whole. I just wanted to live, so how I looked didn’t matter.

If I could talk to my body, I would say “Be kind to yourself. Do not judge yourself, because the world does enough of that for you. In the end all that matters is the love that surrounds you and the experiences you’ve had, not your dress size. Do the best you can today, and if you falter, you pick yourself up and try again tomorrow. Do not feel guilty for enjoying life.”